Ever since I was very young, I felt that I was different from the crowds surrounding me. Wherever I went, I often noticed that people would look at me and turn their heads at me. As much as I tried to be like others - and indeed I tried to be just one of the group - I was still sticking out. Even though I really attempted to make myself invisible at times, I could not be just another girl in class, or just another employee, or just another face in the crowd without somebody reacting to my presence. Whether I was prioritised and got special attention, or made responsible for deeds I didn't do, or simply left out. Again and again I was made aware that I was not "like the others".
I have always thought a lot about life. Even when I was very young, I would reflect on things that other children my age never gave a second thought. I also had quite strong visions and magical abilities. I strongly resented being in kindergarten and school. I felt imprisoned in those places. I have always disliked authority figures who think they can tell me what I can and cannot do. My freedom has always been very important to me.
When I observed the crowd around me, my impression was that a lot of the so-called "ordinary people" seemed to be shallow and ignorant. They did not understand my passions and emotions. I felt that unless there was something wrong with the way I saw the world, there had to be something wrong with them. They considered themselves the standard, and me the odd one out. This always seemed strange to me, as my view was exactly the opposite. I was often upset by the way these people treated nature and animals, the way they treated each other and how some of them treated their children.
From a quite early age, I was particularly fond of the American Indians. I considered the Native Americans to be noble and wise; they understood the secrets of the nature and the wild animals that their existence depended on, and it made me sad to see these brave people vanquished by the so-called civilisation.
I was always searching for something deeper, higher, more passionate – perhaps a life in another world. I longed for the past and loved to read about ancient cultures and their mythology, fables and folk-tales. All kinds of mysteries and ghost stories drew me to them. I always believed that there were other worlds, worlds parallel to our own world. I still hold it to be true that beings from these parallel worlds visit our world, yet most of us cannot see them. Often I walked in the forest, wondering whether I was now entering an invisible gate to a different dimension, with the same forest, the same trees around me, but that existed in a different time. Often when I am out in nature, alone with the wind blowing around me, I wish that time could stand still. I yearn to go "home", a home that I don't know where to find.
As soon as it was possible for me, I left my hometown in Northern Germany. I set out in search of my fate, looking for souls like my own – souls that perhaps had some of the answers I was looking for.
First I moved to London, and after a while there I travelled around Britain, living short periods of time in places that seemed interesting. Then I moved back to London, where I started to work as a Veterinary Nurse and took evening courses to study "the biological basis of human behaviour".
In England I made contact with different Pagan- and magical organisations (and the Neo-Folk music scene, which inspired me a lot…) and truly started to work with my inner self. I always wanted to feel truly alive, to try everything once. I have at times put myself into negative situations…mainly to see if I was capable of getting out of them.
After studying Paganism and the art of working with magic, the pieces all fell into place. I realised that all this time I had heard the call of my Pagan ancestors from within. Their wisdom, traditions and values were alive in me. The magic of the ancient wise women was a gift given to me as well – and, as I was searching for them, I was also searching for myself. Also, I realised that all this time my feelings had been merely natural.
I hope this book will show you to remember the knowledge within. To really understand the Pagans and their natural wisdom you have to look inside yourself. Let your inner voice be your guide.